I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize