i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I think I sprained my soul last night
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
