When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
