mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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