He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
