four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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