At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
