good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
