Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
