I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
