i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
