she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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