I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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