I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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