I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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