You're my little dorito
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
