Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
