Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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