I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize