Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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