Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
