She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
