It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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