You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I need to stop coming to work sober
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
