the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
