never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
