The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
