Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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