Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
