dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
