just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
