So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
