I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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