how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
