You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's rum buckets o'clock
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
