If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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