watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
