I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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