who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
