We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
And then my night got REAL pukey
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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