Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
