He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
