I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
