"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm just crazy horny about you
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
