two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize