Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
They have beer where we have blood.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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