I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
