My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
