but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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