I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
