you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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