if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
