Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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