took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
do herpes really smell.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
