i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
