I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
