My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
